Where to Begin

Ahhhhh, where to begin.
Usually, it's at the beginning. But I don't feel like retelling the whole story, again. 

This time, I want to talk about a different kind of beginning.  Also known as a "do-over" or "starting again" or "starting over", etc.  My point is, this time I'm at the beginning of getting fit... again.

I have this whole great story of becoming an athlete in my mid 30s.  I changed my life.  I got healthy, I got fit, I got happy.  I did all kinds of running and triathlon events.  I met my husband.  I did something for myself and was damn proud of myself for doing it.

Then, I get a fucking brain tumor.

What the actual fuck?!?!?!  

I didn't just catch a cold or the flu or do something stupid to cause myself to become sick.  Remember, I had worked for several years to get healthy and then... WHAM!

I was diagnosed on Friday, April 4, 2017 with a "mass" in my brain.  I had my first brain surgery on April 8, 2017.  Approximately 75% of an Ependymoma was removed from my brain stem in the 4th ventricle of my brain.

Since then, I've had 30 rounds of radiation, a second surgery to remove the rest of the tumor, lots of headaches, lots and LOTS of drugs, and a lot of Physical, Occupational & Speech Therapy.

  

I've had to relearn to walk and balance and speak without slurring my words.  I had to adjust to my new body, which had gained 80 lbs.

I am now BT free!  I have to get MRIs every 3 months to make sure I stay that way.  Soon, I get to graduate to MRIs every 4 months, then eventually every 6 months, etc.

But for now, every 3 months.

OK, I haven't retold the whole story, trust me, it's long and sad.  (TWSS!)

Today...

I am back to working full time.  I don't have any headaches.  I don't slur my speech.  I can walk pretty good.  My balance is mostly back to where it was.  I only occasionally walk in to walls or lose my balance.

Okay... back to the "beginning".

I want, need and crave to be fit again.  I miss being able to hike 13 miles or run 10 miles or do any of the stuff I was finally able to do.  I want to go camping in the Redwoods and hike the trails and hug a tree.  I want to explore the parts of Zion that no one really goes to.  I want to explore more of Sedona.

Not only do I want to hike, but I want to run again.

But, I'm scared.

I fear that I will fail.  I fear that I will get official confirmation that the brain tumor, the Ependymoma, the Cancer, stole my dreams.  Stole my happiness.  Stole my joy.

I'm afraid.  

If I don't try, I can't fail.

Yeah, yeah, I know... if I don't try, I can't succeed either.  Trust me, I used to be the Queen of "Get outside of your comfort zone." or "Just go for it, what's the worst that can happen?"

It seems that I've been afraid of trying and didn't really realize it.

It came out during a counseling session recently.  Unplanned, unintentional... just like a really good counseling session helps you get to.  

I cried and cried and cried.  

I realized that I was afraid.  Afraid of trying.  Terrified of failing.

I'm still afraid, but ready to try.  Ready to see what happens next.

Hence, I'm going to try blogging this part of my journey.

This blog is for me to capture and track what I'm doing, my goals, how I'm feeling, how it's going.  To vent, to celebrate, to share.

This blog is for me and anyone else going through something similar.